Kommunikationsliebe

Like last year, there will be another (structured and moderated) opportunity at the 38th Chaos Communication Congress in Hamburg to discuss interpersonal violence, toxic relationship patterns, their backgrounds and dynamics, and in particular how to deal with toxic relationships as communities. There will also be a range of literature on the topic on display.

It’s also a chance to ask questions about my activities at the association Traum und Verantwortung e.V. and our plans for funding programs around topics such as the abuse of codes of conducts, mediation practices, and trauma-sensitive support for conflicts in communities.

If this is even roughly how it happened, which I have no doubt about based on my own experiences, then the people who needs the most therapy here are the ones who refuse to talk and instead remain silent.

Silence is the socially most damaging form of violence. And the most natural and healthy way to react to silence is to go public at the end, after all attempts to resolve this differently have failed.

I have deliberately chosen a provocative title here to draw attention to an unfortunate dynamic that comes with dealing with the topic of interpersonal violence. I want to stimulate reflection and invite people to talk, even if and precisely because the topic is so uncomfortable.

Since 2018, I have been working more intensively and more explicitly on the emergence and persistence of violence in society. How victims become perpetrators, of themselves and others, how experiences of violence are passed down through generations and contribute to mental disorders and other illnesses. The deeper I dig, the more I realize how important it is for society in general and peace and human rights movements in particular to deal with this topic openly and broadly, because only when we look we can heal and change. I see this as a logical continuation and ongoing development of my political engagement.

At this meeting at the 37th Chaos Communication Congress in Hamburg, we will collectively explore healing of toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse. We will share experiences, insights, and coping strategies to liberate ourselves from the chains of unhealthy connections, and discuss how we can support others who may still feel trapped in such situations.

The objective of this gathering is to promote a sense of solidarity and understanding among individuals who have either overcome the challenges of toxic relationships or are still in the process of processing their experiences.

“What brings us together is not what we already know, but what we still want to learn. This exchange of knowledge is only possible if we approach each other with an open mind and with an attitude of mutual respect and support. We want to create an environment characterised by tolerance, respect, curiosity, fun, openness to communicate, friendliness and consideration.” – Principles of the Chaos Computer Club

I would like to bring attention to a problem in our communities. It’s not just something I’ve encountered myself, but others before me. I want to network with others who have been affected, and work together to find solutions and suggestions for improvement, so that there are better answers in the future. For those who have been through a toxic relationship, and for those who want to help. This is an uncomfortable and painful topic. That’s exactly why we should talk about it.

The lecture, “On Living in a Traumatized Society,” will cover the current state of research on physical, psychological and emotional violence, and its links to traumatic experiences in childhood.

A central aspect of the presentation is the role of childhood experiences in the development of violence. Research shows that people who experienced violence in childhood are at higher risk of becoming violent themselves or being trapped in toxic relationships. The traumatic experiences affect the development of self-image, lead to emotional dysregulation, and impair the ability to form healthy relationships.

“Communicating non-violently means not only refraining from physical violence and obvious forms of verbal violence, such as threatening someone or calling them names. Accusations, judgments, interpretations, evaluations, analyses, manipulations, advice, praise, etc. are also subtle forms of violence and block real encounters unnoticed.”

I cannot undo the past. I can only ask for an apology, and gradually reconcile with myself. I cannot demand to be excused, neither from myself nor from others. I can demonstrate by my actions that I am willing to learn. At the same time, I admit to myself that to live nonviolence requires profound changes in order to make unconscious patterns visible and gradually dissolve them. That I will not always succeed, and that complete nonviolence may not be achievable for someone who has grown up with violence.