Experiences of violence in hackerspaces

(Originally a post on a CCC mailing list)

Hey Chaos,

(Please reply off-list and personally if possible. I don’t want to discuss this here — that won’t lead anywhere.)

Obvious violence is everywhere. But in hackerspaces, it usually takes a more intellectual, sneaky form—verbal ¹ and emotional abuse ².

As a co-founder of a hackerspace and someone who’s been deeply involved in the space and community scene for years, I’ve come across these issues many times—especially in the whole “All Creatures Welcome,” CoC discussions, etc. (Let’s just say: 10 years as a Tor Core Member…). But things took on a whole new level for me personally when I got into my first “scene relationship” in 2020 — and ended up in a “toxic relationship” ³. Now, over a year later, I’m still in trauma therapy multiple times a week and am pretty much unable to work or function normally. And I’ve (unfortunately) come to truly understand why “verbal/emotional abuse” is exactly that—real abuse. I now get what terms like “triggering,” “gaslighting,” “toxicity,” “victim-blaming,” etc., actually mean, and why it’s so painful for trauma survivors when people downplay them.

Some poly folks in the club scene say this is all just “games,” “normal,” “part of the deal.” Like, “It’s your own fault for falling for it and letting yourself be played.” That kind of mindset is a dangerous normalization of severe psychological abuse — something that can literally push people to suicide. It almost did for me. Looking back at my time in the club scene with fresh eyes, I can think of several cases where I suspect this is exactly what happened. I used to think poly/BDSM people would be the first to insist on “informed consent” … but I guess not.

And then there’s the complete lack of empathy for both abusers and victims, making it harder for either to heal. Just looking the other way and letting abusers do their thing (“It’s none of my business,” “That’s private”) or, on the other hand, instantly exiling them for any misstep—neither of those approaches feel socially or ethically acceptable to me. But unfortunately, I’ve seen both a lot.

And weirdly enough, the moment I started talking about this in the club, everyone I spoke to seemed to already know about it. They had their own stories of witnessing the same thing. After I posted something about it in a small circle on Twitter ⁴, a bunch of people reached out—some still struggling with this decades later, unable to attend events or visit “their” spaces because “the abuser is there/might be there,” and because nobody took them seriously. As for me? Right now, I honestly can’t imagine ever feeling safe and carefree in the scene (or in Berlin) again. Just thinking about it takes a massive toll, both physically and emotionally.

Before all this, though? Neither I nor my non-club friends had ever really encountered this stuff. I had no idea, at almost 40 years old, what a “toxic relationship” really meant, or how to recognize a narcissist. Maybe I was just blind to it, but it feels weird that in the club scene, this is apparently “common knowledge” and “happens all the time,” yet I’ve never seen a single talk, workshop, or real discussion on it—despite my long-standing interest in these topics. I’ve been involved in countless mediations, bans, and CoC discussions in various projects, and still, nothing. And this is a community full of people with difficult childhoods, people who are almost predisposed to end up in both abuser and victim roles.

Maybe none of this would have changed my own experience. But honestly? I think it would have. If I had understood how narcissistic abuse works, I would have approached conflict resolution completely differently. And now that I do get it, I see the same toxic dynamics playing out in hacker communities, tearing apart entire groups of once-motivated, happy hackers.

Anyway — you can probably tell this is a topic I care about, and I’d love to connect with others who have experience with it. I’m considering doing a talk or writing an article about it — whenever I’m actually capable of doing so.

Have you seen this kind of thing before? Have stories to share? Have “broken spaces” caused by messy, hard-to-untangle conflicts? Want to talk about trauma therapy methods? A reading group? A workshop? I’d be happy to discuss things anonymously or pseudonymously, and I’ll keep everything confidential. I just want to work together to better understand this stuff.

I’d also love to hear from people with very different opinions. Does verbal abuse even exist? How responsible am I for my own feelings and whether something hurts me? How do we deal with lies and the trust issues they create? What are my responsibilities and expectations in a social space? If a CoC just says “violence” is prohibited, where’s the clarity on what’s “allowed” and what’s not — especially across different cultures? To me, this is where the biggest potential for misunderstandings and mutual harm lies. What does it mean to be considerate of each other, to acknowledge each other’s pain? I was really shocked by how little consensus there seems to be on this fundamental aspect of social interaction—how much we all just assume is understood, and how much we expect from each other without ever saying it.

What kind of society do we actually want to build?

<3 Cheers, Mo